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Month: July 2016

Very Dirty English Jokes – Dad what does a

Dad, what does a vagina look like before Sex? Well son, a vagina before Sex is truly a beautiful thing! It is the most wonderful thing God ever created. It is more delicate than a fresh picked rose. It’s aroma is more beautiful than the finest of perfumes. It’s feel is that of the softest silk. It’s taste is that of pure nectar. Wow! Even the words of the greatest poets fail to do justice to it’s heavenly wonderment. Man would even sacrifice his own soul for just the mere glimpse of it’s pure divinity. It sounds wonderful, Dad. What do they look like after Sex? Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?

Restricted English Jokes – An 80 year old

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he replies. “I’ve got an eighteen-year old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?”� The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him.” “That’s impossible!” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.” “My point, exactly.”

Adult Jokes In English – An Asian man walked

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, “Fluctuations.” The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

Most Dirty English Jokes – Dear Abby:I have been

Dear Abby:I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown abit beyond what we had expected it to be.When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have Sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door…There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.Abby, should I tell my fiancee’ what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character?Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Restricted English Jokes – A lady goes into

A lady goes into a hardware store looking for a mixer. After looking at several on the counter she picks one up and says, “I’ll take this one.” The clerk says, “That’s the kind that hangs on the wall. Do you want a screw for it.” She says, “No, but I’ll blow you for that toaster over there.”

Best English Adult Jokes – A woman walks into

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. “Good day Ma’am, how may we help you today?” Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug cost?” He answers, “Lady if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is!”

English 18+ Adult Jokes – A man walks up

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a Sexual harassment suit against the man. The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s Sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”

Unclean Jokes In English – A lady golfer is

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp. She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him. “I’ve been stung by a wasp”, she says. “Where did it get you?”, he replies. “Between the 1st and 2nd hole.” “Well, I think your stance must be a little too wide.”

Best English Adult Jokes – A boy and his

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. “That was a honey bee,” his father said, “one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week.” Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it. “That was a butterfly,” his father said, “one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week.” The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it. The boy looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?”

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