This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, “Bartender! I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, “It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?” The drunk replies, “Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.
Tag: lengthy English jokes for adults
There were two guys sitting in an airplane. One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flights go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”The other guy who had just opened a good book, closed it and asked him, “What do you want to talk about?”The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about we discuss Nuclear Power.”The other guy says, “Well, let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, but the deer shits out pellets; the cow shits big patties; and the horse shits clumps of dried grass. Why is that?”The first guy says, “I don’t know.”The other guy says, “Oh? Then how can you expect to talk about Nuclear Power when you don’t know shit?”
There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night. The first one said, “What a day I had today. A man wasn’t wearing his seatbelt, and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural.” Not to be outdone, the second mortician said, “You think that’s bad? I had a guy who got was hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me two days to put all the pieces back together!” The third mortician just shook his head. “You guys have it easy,” he said. “I had this female parachutist whose chute didn’t open. She landed on a flagpole, and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!”
The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her students on Sexual morality. “In moments of temptation,” said the speaker to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: “How do you make it last an hour?”
Ur destiny by ur employer is never decided accordng to performance
Ex: Condoms r also thrown in dustbin after 100% result oriented Work
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. Asmall tree begins to growbetweenthem. One tree says to the other: “Is that ason of a beech or a son of abirch?” The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.The tall tree says”Woodpecker,youare a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son ofa beech or a son of abirch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the smalltree. He replies: “It is neitherason of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, myfriends, is the best pieceofashI have ever put my pecker in.”
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.” The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?” The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had Sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.” “Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?” “Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”
Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the first, “I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.” “I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second, “so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer.” “Well I put up five percent,” pointed out the third partner. “What’s that make me?” The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice president of Sex and music.” “That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?” “It means when I want your fucking advice, I’ll whistle.”
What is a difference between Personal & Private Secretary?
–Private Secretary says `Morning Sir !!`
whereas Personal Secretary says `It’s Morning Sir !!`
What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any? A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!